February 18, 2010

I Run For Me

I realized something this morning. Almost everything I've done in my entire life has been for someone else. I've barely had any hobbies that were just for me, just for the sole purpose of making me happy. That's what running is for me. It's finally me stepping up for myself and doing something that I enjoy. I don't worry about working around someone's schedule or how it will make them feel; I just run. And I think that's why I keep coming back here. I think that's why I get up early every morning, even when I don't want to, and go out for a run. It's because I can. Because I don't have to listen to anyone else. I don't have to take their feelings, schedules, lives into consideration.

For the first time in my life, I'm happy because I'm putting the effort into making myself happy. Running does this for me. Yes, at the end of every run I feel sore and cramped and tired and sweaty, but I also feel elation and pride and freedom. I have the ability to go out there and zone out. To listen to the music I want to listen to. To do something good for me, and enjoy it.

I knew, 11 months ago, that when I started running it would be trial and error, stop and go, and many good days and bad days (weeks). But I stuck with it, sometimes not even knowing why. I know why, now. These past 11 months have been incredibly up and down, but I always had running; I always had an outlet. I'm not saying that running is the end all be all, but it's something. There's an indescribable feeling that comes over me when I'm finishing up a run. No matter what the day decided to bring, I know that at the end of my run it's all okay. It's that feeling, that feeling of inner calm and the "OK, I can handle this" feeling that make it worth it. And it is. It's always worth it. Because when I run, I run for me.
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Welcome to Head Over Heels!

Like many 20-something women, I woke up one morning exasperated. It seemed like every day I would find a new passion, a new dream, and get excited about yet another project, just to find that they would all crash and burn. I wanted something that I could control and that would be all mine.

Because our 20s are a time of exploration and discovery, it's very hard to find that path that directs us exactly to our dreams, especially because our dreams have the habit of evolving overnight. I had worn myself into a tizzy of exhaustion, disappointment, and an overwhelming sense of having no control over my own life. And that's when I went for that first run.

Two minutes later, I arrived back at my apartment steps, panting. As long and as torturous as those two minutes felt, they also gave me a sense of liberation, a feeling that had been severely lacking in my life. The next day, pathetically still sore, I again put on my sneakers. Three minutes, yes! This routine was repeated daily throughout the summer and now, I'm a half-marathoner! My ultimate goal, a marathon, still looms in the distant future, but the even bigger goal is one I can actively work on every day: learning to gain control over my own life and learning to fall in love with myself one step at a time.